“AITA for telling my wife my childhood friend will never forgive her for what she did?”
My wife (32F) and I (34M) have been married for 6 years, together for 10. We have a 4 year old son. A few years ago, my close childhood friend (34F) got married.
We’ve been extremely close since we were kids, both our families were dysfunctional in different ways. At one point, my dad cheated on my mom with her mom, they got married, divorced a year later, and we basically ended up abandoned by both sides.
Through all that, we became really close with each other. She even has 2 tattoos that relate to our bond, I would have gotten a tattoo too but I’m sort of scared of needles.
My wife was actually close to my friend too, and never showed signs of being insecure about our friendship, until postpartum hit. After our son was born, she really struggled.
Her emotions were all over the place, and she became extremely insecure about my relationship with my friend. I was supposed to be Man of Honor at my friend’s wedding, help plan things, and be a big part of the ceremony. But my wife was so anxious and uncomfortable, she begged me not to attend.
It made me really sad, but I chose my wife. I told my friend I couldn’t go and told her why. She was really hurt by it.
Not angry, just really sad, but said she understood. A couple months later, my wife fully recovered and apologized, both to me and to my friend. I forgave her. My friend, however, didn’t.
When my wife reached out to my friend to apologize, my friend was polite but direct. She said she never wanted to speak to her again.
She didn’t yell or make a scene, she just drew a boundary. Honestly, I get it. It was a once-in-a-lifetime day, and she’d leaned on me for years, and I bailed. I still feel guilty about it.
My friend and I still talk regularly. Nothing inappropriate, we’re just close, always have been. Recently, my wife asked if there was any chance my friend would forgive her. I told her the truth: no. That ship sailed.
My wife got sort of quiet and looked sad and hasn’t brought it up again, but I wonder if I was too blunt. AITA for not giving my wife hope and just telling her forgiveness probably isn’t happening?
Internet Joined the Conversation and a lot to say in response.
TimeOut9898 said:
I’m sorry but I don’t think this story is for real, that this is real life and your question is serious.
LatterAd5405 said:
It seems like you set your wife up to be hated by your bff, to be honest.
Lesliethegirl said:
You’re the asshole. Your wife had no control of her mental state after she pushed out YOUR BABY, and you blamed your choice on her. Hope she divorces you and you lose your friend.
No_Volume_1476 said:
After reading the comments, I totally understand the 100 women vs accountability memes I’ve been seeing lately. The husband did absolutely nothing wrong, but women in the comments are trying to imagine creative ways to make him out to be the villain.
ConsistentCan9899 said:
YTA You and your best friend have a emotional connection which probably triggered your wife post child birth. I would be surprised if her husband doesn’t feel slightly uncomfortable with your arrangement.
You just need to take a hard look at what you actually want in life because she cant be your friend and not speak to your wife.
Training_Coconut_832 said:
I wish the wife was here so we could convince her she deserves better than this
jaxstaa92 said:
Wow. This is a lot. Way to stand up for your wife, bro… I feel for your wife OP, she did everything she could to be supportive of your friendship, have your baby and she has one slip up and you can’t defend her? my advice here would be to defend your wife to your friend. You BOTH made the decision not to go to the wedding, not just your wife.
isitpurple said:
Asking out of genuine curiosity. How is this going to work? Is your bestie gonna skip all life milestones and celebrations on your end? Or is it expected that she will be there and your wife is uncomfortable? Is it safe to assume your bestie isn’t involved in your child’s life?
I’m just trying to fully understand the situation
4 days later, OP replied to “isitpurple” Question:
OP responded:
Surprisingly, it doesn’t actually change too much. We’ve always had our own little way of celebrating milestones, just the two of us. Like for birthdays, promotions, or any personal wins, we usually do something simple but meaningful like grabbing dinner at our favorite spot, exchanging gifts, or just spending a few hours catching up.
That’s always been our tradition, even before we had other people in our lives. Obviously, the bigger get-togethers with all four of us (me, my wife, her, her husband) won’t be happening anymore, but those weren’t really the core of our friendship.
She’s not involved in my child’s life, and I’m not looking to be involved in her future kid’s life either.
We actually agreed a while back that keeping our friendship separate from family stuff was the healthiest way to go, too many complications otherwise. And yeah, my wife and her used to hang out occasionally, but that part of things has naturally ended now.
Internet Replied to his Answer and kept the comments coming
MetaReson said:
Bro really answered “how are you going to handle shared celebrations?” with “easy, I’ll just celebrate without my wife…”
I know he’s probably saying he’ll do two celebrations, but just the way he phrased that is so funny to me.
GiraffeThoughts said:
Dude is describing going on dates with his ‘friend’ and being mad that his PPD suffering wife was insecure about it. He and his friend are both AHs.
gigglefarting said:
Also who makes sure their child doesn’t have any sort of relationship with his friend that’s supposed to be close enough to be the child’s aunt.
I’ve never thought twice about introducing any of my friends to my kid, and I always look forward to the chance.
devil-wears-converse said:
Wooooow I even replied to OPS comment hours ago and didnt realize he wasnt talking about his wife at first till I came back and saw your comment. This makes me so sad for his wife. Like I’ve been in a situation similar to hers, and it sucks. It did not end well for any of us.
Honestly, there’s a chance this is fake, but in case it’s not – OP, if you want to save your marriage you might need to take a really long break from talking to your friend because this really reads more than a friendship. I think you and your friend might have a little trauma bond going on based on your shared pasts.
Two Days Later, OP Shared an Update:
Wow, I didn’t expect the sheer gravity of responses I got. Reading through everyone’s perspectives really opened my eyes.
A lot of you reminded me that my wife went through a really tough mental condition postpartum and, regardless of how much it hurt my friend, my wife doesn’t deserve to be punished forever for it.
So a couple of days ago, I had a long, honest talk with my friend. I told her that my wife and I are a package deal, and while I understood why she was so hurt and disappointed, my wife had already repented and apologized enough.
I told her that if she truly valued our friendship, she needed to hash it out with my wife so we could all move forward.
It was a really emotional conversation. My friend was very sad at first, and we talked a lot about the past and how things had changed. Eventually, she agreed.
Later that day, she called my wife, apologized for holding the grudge, and accepted my wife’s apology too, and they had a nice happy talk. My wife was honestly so relieved and happy, it felt like a huge weight was lifted.
During my talk with my friend, she also said she really misses hanging out with me like we used to before all this marriage drama.
She said she would accept the apology but she just wants to spend more 1-1 time with me again. I accepted that, told her I appreciate her honesty, and assured her that I still value our friendship deeply. She seemed really happy about it.
So yeah, that’s probably my final update. My wife is happy, my friend has let go of the resentment, and I feel like I finally did right by both of them. Thank you all for your advice, it really helped me see what I needed to do.
After the Final Update from the OP, the Internet Can’t Stop Reacting
GoodQueenFluffenChop said:
These are just two very codependent people who are refusing to grow up and realize they now have responsibilities outside of each other that come first.
For OP it’s his wife and child and for the friend it should be her own husband.
They need therapy yesterday to actually be able to have a normal friend relationship but that’s the thing with codependent people, they don’t want to.
Short-Classroom2559 Said:
I honestly have no idea why they even married other people. This level of codependency is out there…
Puzzleheaded_Army316 said:
She doesn’t want her husband hanging around and interfering with her fantasy about OP either. OP and this crazy b should do both of their spouses a favor and file for divorce and marry each other like they’ve obviously always wanted to.
Fairmount1955 said:
Oh, he’s a wet noodle, or as bros say, a beta. He’s not bright and his poor wife.
chez2202 said:
WTF is wrong with you?
Your friend has apologised to your wife for holding a grudge against her. Because you told her to apologise. And the condition that she put on her apology was that you spend time alone with her?
Where does her husband, your wife and your child fit into her plan?
When are you going to see that she is manipulating you every step of the way and it’s never going to stop until you leave your wife or your wife leaves you?
I really hope that your wife leaves you first so that she can retain a modicum of self respect. You have no idea what you are dealing with here.
You are being played by a master manipulator. Her husband is a stop gap until you give in and abandon your wife and child to make this creature happy.
Grow the fuck up. Seriously.
In the comments, most users overwhelmingly judged the OP as YTA (You’re The Asshole). To many readers, it felt like he was still prioritizing his friend over his wife, which is why the YTA verdict came in strong.
Sources: Reddit
